A breakup, or worse, a divorce is one of the most stressful challenges you can face in addiction recovery. A breakup might entail feelings of rejection, disappointment, bitterness, resentment, animosity, and grief. You may have to make significant changes in your life, such as finding somewhere else to live or reorganizing your social life. The hazard a breakup poses to recovery is one of the reasons people who know often recommend having a whole year of sobriety before dating or starting a new relationship. Even with a year of sobriety and solid recovery, a bad breakup can be hard to weather. If you’ve recently had a breakup, here are some ways to keep it from ruining your recovery.
Accept what you’re feeling.
Perhaps the most important thing to do after a breakup is to accept that you’ll feel sad, angry, hurt, or whatever else for a while. When you try to avoid these challenging emotions, you get into even more trouble. Pushing them away only makes them stronger and more persistent. If you try to avoid feeling them, you may start thinking of drinking or using again. As difficult as it is, try leaning into the emotions and get the full experience. Don’t try to avoid what you’re feeling, but don’t hold onto it either. Remember that the pain you feel will eventually pass.
Talk to your therapist.
Don’t hesitate to get a third-person perspective on what you’re going through. Breakups stirr deep emotions and insecurities. It can help a lot to have an objective person to talk things over with. The stakes are especially high for anyone in recovery. Few events are as likely to cause a relapse as a painful breakup. Even if you don’t feel like you really need to talk to a therapist, it’s usually better to be safe than sorry.
Resist the urge to isolate yourself.
It’s normal for people who have just been through a breakup to want to be alone. You might feel depressed, you might not want your friends to pity you, or you might be unsure about the loyalties of mutual friends. While it’s normal to feel this way, it’s not really helpful. Chances are, your friends have all been through breakups and know what it’s like. They want to be there for you, so don’t be afraid to reach out. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to mutual friends. Breakups happen, and often they are no one’s fault.
Go to meetings.
If you go to regular mutual support meetings such as AA, SMART Recovery, or Refuge Recovery, keep going. Share what you’re going through and let the group support you. If you haven’t been going, or haven’t been going often, this is a good time to start going regularly again. This helps to reaffirm your commitment to recovery despite your recent setback and it’s a way to connect with people who are familiar with the specific challenges of going through a breakup while trying to stay sober.
Stick to your routine.
One of the biggest challenges of a breakup is that you often feel like the ground is shifting beneath your feet. You may have had to move, whatever plans you made together aren’t going to happen, and you generally have to accept that the other person is no longer part of your life. With all these big changes happening, it’s important to find stability where you can. Try to keep the same routine as much as possible. Go to bed and get up at your regular time. Eat the same meals, get some exercise, and stick to your recovery plan. When your life is in upheaval, focus on things you can control.
Learn what you can.
When you have a little breathing room, see what you can learn from the breakup. Don’t get sentimental or self-critical; just take an honest look at what went wrong. See if you can detect any patterns in your behavior or in your relationships. What were the sticking points? What did you argue about? It will probably help to get input from other people such as friends–especially mutual friends–family, your therapist, or your group. Use the pain of the breakup to grow. Maybe you can avoid some of those mistakes in your next relationship.
Write about it.
Studies have shown that writing about a difficult experience is an effective way to reduce the stress associated with that experience. It’s usually not a good idea to write about it immediately. Give it a little time, then write about it. Focus on your emotions related to the experience. Writing is a way of consciously processing what you’ve been through. Writing also helps you feel more in control of the situation. Finally, studies have shown that the more specifically you can describe an emotion, the more control you have over it.
Use it as an opportunity.
Even if you felt like your relationship was pretty good, it probably entailed a lot of compromises. We don’t mind making compromises for people we care about because we value their happiness, but in the end, we don’t quite get to do what we want. After a breakup, you have an opportunity to separate your desires as an individual from your desires as part of a couple. Being single again may be a chance to explore opportunities you couldn’t before. A breakup is just a change. It has obvious downsides, but it also presents new possibilities. Focusing on the possibilities will help you move on faster.
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction or mental illness, we can help. Recovery Ways is a premier drug and alcohol addiction treatment facility located in Salt Lake City, Utah. We have the resources to effectively treat a dual diagnosis. Our mission is to provide the most cost-effective, accessible substance abuse treatment to as many people as possible. Request information online or call us today at 1-888-986-7848.
